2003-10-25 - 10:52 p.m.

Jealousy. The Rant.

I never thought I would come face to face with this, and yet here I am, going to bed with it, waking up with it, eating, smiling, pretending it isn't there.

How many people do I know talk to their exes on a regular basis, so regular that they are in tune with even the smallest things? That he is nearly the first she calls. That I can very nearly feel her when we should be alone. I'm not sure. Maybe just the one. Maybe just my one.

Something is not right, I try not to tell myself, when she calls him more than I do. Something is not right when he speeds out of the house when it's her on the other end of the line. Something is not right when he feels the need to hide. And I'm not sure if he's even aware of it, but I am. I can feel it. Because he does want her to call. He's not indifferent. He's not a brother. He is still the guy she made the center of her world. On some level, he does want her to need him this way. Forgetting love can take so long.

I know she has a boyfriend of her own. And yet, she calls mine up to fill her time. I know her boyfriend is busy, is working, is filled to the brim with responsibility, and yet I can'thelp but wonder, did she know this when she embraced him? Should I give her allowances just because her own boyfriend is not there for her?

Do I want my boyfriend to stop talking to her? If I were completely honest with myself, I would say yes, because a love that lasted six goddamn years does not ebb on a whim. But I'm not irrational. I just want him to treat her like his past, the way she should be, and not a past that ressurects everyday in the ring of a goddamn phone. Not a past that he talks to every night, on his way home to me. I told him I wanted him to have a healthy relationship with her, but is it healthy when she calls more often than his girlfriend? Is it healthy when she talks to him more than she does her own boyfriend? Is it healthy when it's the girlfriend who feels like the outsider?

But I will not impose. He will do what he thinks is right. I just hope that he sees where I'm coming from. I just want him not to talk to her so goddamn much. I just want to stop feeling her everywhere. But I want him to do it, not because I said so, but because he sees how it's eating me up. I want him to do it, because he wants me to stop being uncomfortable. I want him to do it, because our relationship comes first. I want him to do it, because I come first.

Because it scares me that if one day, the universe made him choose, I would not be the one left in the space beside him. I'm scared, because I know he still loves her. I'm scared, because sometimes, I'm not sure I where I come in his life.

I'm scared, because I love him so goddamn much.

 

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